Sunday, October 28, 2007

don't ever go

everyday it scares me to lose him. everyday i want to love him a little more. everyday i want to protect him. everyday i wan to hug him. everyday i wish him good health. everyday my heart prays for another day. but i know that "one day" will come...and i cannot cannot imagine a day without him.

i know it's not right to think this way. but it seems like 20 yrs or 50 more yrs is still not enough. he's my best friend. he's my inspiration. he's my strength. he's my weakness. and i feel that just haven't given him enough. that i just took and took and never gave enough of what he truly deserves.

9:40 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

will selfish ever find a way to make selfless happy????

call me selfish for all i care. i am having a hard time as it is giving direction to my own life...i don't really have the energy to fix other people's lives. if only i could, if only i knew how. but it's their lives. dammit. i see them, i see how alike they are. i see how they understand each other. why can't they just fix each other up. me? i'm tired of the shallowness... i'm tired of all that non sense stuff. i've just grown out of it. sometimes i wish i had the courage to leave, to leave him. but i can't. because i know he needs me somehow. i hate the fact that they always make him their shock absorber. it hurts him. i know it does. and i feel helpless. and i know i do it sometimes too. i want to rid him of all this trouble. he's the one person in all this that doesn't deserve all the pain. why should he suffer still? sometimes i wonder why "we" were the ones given to him. he deserves so much more, so much better. he's been brave. he had to carry other's people crosses many many times. it's got to stop. and i want him to have that gratification. and i know what he wants that he will never ask of me. and i am so scared. i am so scared because i'm not sure i can do it. i'm not sure that i can abandon everything i have lived for. and i know that he'll find a way to understand my decisions. i know he will. but that just makes it harder. and i do want to see him happy. i want to give him that . even if it's nothing compared to what he really deserves. and i don't know what scares me more, the fact that i might not be able to do it or the fact that i love him too much to just do it and not care anymore for everything that i have always fought for.

8:59 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

sweet escape

eyes closed, she stood still.
taking in the sweet sound of silence.
she breath in the serenity of the wind, it was calming...
her skin tingled from the quiet touch of harmony
her heart was beating fast but steadily
in tune with the song,
a song heaven was singing to her.

she opened her arms and felt a gentle embrace
the one she has longed for
warmth spread through her entire existence
an overwhelming peace

smiling as tears fall from her eyes
she whispered, "i love you too".

and as that breath slowly escaped her lips,
the buzzing sound returns.
chaos. utter chaos was looming in
hands were pulling her in all direction
she hears the deafening beat of drums
only to notice it was her own heartbeat

and she realizes, the fight is not yet over
it will never be

but a smile slowly formed on her lips
she knew that she would always have that "place"
a place that is her own
for in her soul lies the sweetest escape
all she ever needs
is to stand still and close her eyes

9:57 PM 0 comments

Thursday, March 01, 2007

when reputation comes back to haunt you

minsan may mga bagay na mahirap takasan. siguro talagang it's in our nature na to be judgemental. actually hindi naman in our nature talaga eh, more of nakasanayan na natin. oo aaminin ko naman that i too have committed the crime of judging others. pero iba talaga pag-ikaw na ang hinusgahan. masakit. nakakainis. nakakaiyak. i've never cared much of what other people would say or kung ano magiging tingin nila sakin, i did what i wanted as long as it made me happy. selfish ba? siguro nga. but i'd rather be judged by others for doing the things na nakapagpasaya sakin kaysa namin dumating ang araw na ako na mismo ang tumingin sa sarili ko sa salamin at sabihin ang mga salitang "wala kang kwenta". people are still gonna judge me whatever i do, might as well have fun with it diba? minsan nga lang kasi unfair. when you've been labeled to be something you're doomed to have that stuck in your forehead forever.

kahit minsan hindi ko sasabihing pagkakamali yun..i followed my heart and i was so damn happy. nakakatawa lang at iba ang tingin ng mga tao sayo. i thought that by now, i've left it behind. akala ko tapos na ang mga bagay na yun. pero hindi pa pala. ang sarap sabihin na ang KAPAL ng mukha mo para sabihin yun na para bang ang linis ng pagkatao mo pero naisip ko din na hindi ba panghuhusga din ang gagawain kong yun??? oo nga masakit, pero ngayon ko dapat i-apply ang natutunan ko. never allow other people to hurt you. they can say everything that they want, the only way that it can come true is if you let them get to you. sino ba sila? hindi mo naman sila matuturing na kaibigan, hindi mo na din naman sila nakakasama pa. tapos na yun. they were never even part of your past kaya ok na siguro yun. i'm happy now. i'm content. i am the only one who can take this happiness from myself kung magpapa-apekto pa ko.

all i know now is i couldn't have lived a better life because everything falls into place.

7:03 AM 0 comments

Thursday, February 08, 2007

never too far away

i saw you again. and though you come in different characters, i still know it's you. the touch, the gaze, the warmth..it's all you my love. i wanted to stay there with you even for just a little while...because beside you time stood still. it felt forever, i felt peace. even now, i can still see you and hear you and feel you. and i know you do too. i don't know where you are...across the sea or atop a mountain maybe. but i know you're with me, everyday. with every breath that escapes my lips. with every twinkle of the stars. with every hug that i receive. with every laughter that i hear. i know, you're with me because you are me.. and i am you.

still there are days that i yearn for you. for that touch to be real...for that warmth to embrace me...to be able to gaze in your eyes. and i long for that day that I'll wake up knowing you would still be there holding me. and that day will come...i know.

for now, our dreams will do.

8:23 PM 0 comments

is NOW the time?

she heard the crowd cheering... she knew they were there to support her. but more than anything, she knew this was what her heart desires. was she scared? no. it was more of guilt. the eagerness to please. their love was asking her to soar through the sky but her love kept her from spreading her wings. she knew! she knew very well that this was it. her heart screams for this...her soul asked for it. she just wasn't sure if now is the time. they say the universe works in mysterious ways...she says, it works FAST. it was all too simple, too easy to grab, that she wonders if she even deserves to take it.

everything comes at the perfect time. maybe she should just shut it and give herself a break.

8:09 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

one sleepless night

nowhere to go... no one to run to... nothing to hold on to... slowly things are just walking on straight lines... never been a fan of straight lines. it leads you nowhere but to your last breath. wanting something to make things pop. AND THAT IS NEVER A GOOD SIGN.

9:24 AM 0 comments

Friday, December 01, 2006

there she goes again...

AAAAAAAARRRGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH...... one blink and she's gone over the edge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and she'll pull u by the leg.... her non stop ramblings and her practiced speeches. aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! her timing is impeccable. bravo bravo. aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!

4:46 AM 0 comments